


Phoenix Rising

by orphan_account



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, F/F, Friends to Lovers, POV Aster Flores, References to Christianity, Slow Burn, Wildfires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24989584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: As Aster deals with the starting college and being away from home for the first time, she gets to know her roommate Ellie Chu, who she gradually becomes close friends with and maybe more."And as she paints the hills, the dry tinderboxes waiting to catch flame as summer turns into fall, she loses herself in the sensation of dragging the brush across canvas and the mesmerizing vision of endless golden hills. She too is waiting for a spark, something or someone at this college to help her burn brighter. For the first time, she feels ready for that ignition. She remembers that she came here to become a better version of herself, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but she can’t do that if she’s too afraid of getting burnt to throw herself into her new life."
Relationships: Aster Flores & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu & Aster Flores, Ellie Chu & Aster Flores & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 79
Kudos: 185





	1. The Spark

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted this to take place in Portland but Portland University is just an imagined college there. It's not actually supposed to be representative of the University of Portland or Portland State University.

Aster hauls her two suitcases out of the back of her red pickup truck as her mom pulls her brand new winter jacket out of the front seat. Back in San Pedro, she had always enjoyed the stereotypical warm Southern California weather. The weather in Portland might not be as extreme as other places she’d considered going to college like Minnesota or Massachusetts, but winters that went below 60 would still be an adjustment. At least she won’t have to worry about wildfire season.

“Come on, Aster,” her mom called. 

Aster shook her head as if she could physically shake the thoughts of home out of her mind. Well, what used to be home anyway. She followed her mom up the steps of the Cypress Residential Hall. Her first impression of what would be her new home was ambivalence. It looked like every dorm ever advertised on a college brochure: red brick, five level building on the outside with dark grey carpets on the inside with occasional stains and splotches whose origin she’d rather not think about. When they finally reach her room, the third door on the right of the fourth floor, her mom envelopes her in a tight embrace. As she pulls away she can see her mom wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

“Sorry m’ija,” she says. “I know we’re both going to start crying if I start now, so I won’t. But I’m going to miss you so much.” 

“I’ll miss you too amá,” Aster responds. “Give Dad a big hug from me when you get back home, okay?”

“I will, sweetie. And you know that he would be here if he could, right?”

“I know, I know. But God stops for no one, not even pastors.”

“Ha ha. Look who’s making jokes now,” Aster’s mom shakes her head in mock disapproval. “One day away from home and you already think you know better than your parents.”

Aster rolls her eyes. “Come on, if you know so much more than me you can tell how to set up my room.”

As Aster opens the door marked Flores/Chu, the first thing she sees is a girl with long black hair and round glasses unpacking a suitcase onto the lower bunk of the bed on the right side of the room. The girl turns around and stares at Aster in a cold, calculating way that makes her itch for a paintbrush and canvas to escape into.

“Hi, I’m Ellie. Ellie Chu,” the girl says as she quickly shakes Aster’s hand. “You must be Aster. I hope you don’t mind that I took the bottom bunk. We can switch if you want, but I wanted to start unpacking.”

“No, no it’s fine. I’ll take the top bunk. And, uh, it’s nice to meet you,” Aster replies.

“Likewise.”

And with that, Ellie turns back around and resumes unfolding pairs of jeans and flannel shirts. When her mom pushes past her to start unzipping her own suitcases, Aster follows her and begins smoothing out a wrinkled sundress on autopilot. Aster had been excited to meet her roommate; her mom always talked about how her roommate was her best friend in college. But Ellie had seemed so terse. Aster could only hope that Ellie hadn’t seen something in Aster that had immediately turned to dislike. 

Aster already sometimes felt like she didn’t fit into her skin right: not Christian enough for her parents, too American for her cousins from Sonora, and — now that she was gone from the Los Angeles area — maybe too Mexican for Portland University. But Aster knew who she was beyond labels and other people’s expectations. She would make sure Ellie liked her. Or make sure that even if they didn’t become close friends, they still had an amicable relationship. She tried to stop imagining hypothetical situations with Ellie and focus on the different textures of her clothes instead. She knew that she had a tendency to get in her head and overthink her interactions with other people. She was probably reading too much into her first conversation with Ellie. They would have plenty of time to get to know each other later, and then she could get a better feel for what Ellie was like.

～ ～ ～

Aster’s first morning of classes blur by with an intro class for her major, communications, and a lecture for statistics. By the time she reaches the dining hall, she feels her heart beating faster than normal from the stress of math (her mortal enemy) and the nervousness she gets from blindly choosing the seat and the people she’s going to sit by for the rest of the semester. 

As she sprinkles ranch over her chicken salad, she notices Ellie sitting at a table across the hall. Ellie’s sitting with some boy Aster hasn’t met yet, and they seem engaged in a friendly argument. It’s a stark reminder that she still hasn’t had any conversation with Ellie beyond finding out what their majors are (English for Ellie and communications for Aster) and where they’re from. Ellie is a Portland native, but she had just stared blankly at Aster’s declaration of San Pedro as her home town until she had just said it was in L.A. Needless to say, it hadn’t been the most fascinating of conversations. So, Aster ignored Ellie and sat at an empty table to scarf down her salad before the class she had been looking forward to the most: the 2:00 painting seminar. 

Ever since Aster had first picked up a paintbrush in elementary school, she had loved the feeling of brushing that first stroke on a blank canvas to create something new. Even though her parents had agreed that going to college for art would make it harder for Aster to get a job and pay off her loan after graduation, which is part of the reason Aster picked a more practical major like communications, she is still relieved that she can paint as an elective to get credit for her general education classes. The moment that she steps into the classroom and smells the opened paint bottles, something in her stomach loosens. When Professor Fenderstein tells them to paint a landscape to warm up, she thinks of the rolling hills of San Pedro, that are yellow and dead this time of the year, but still feel like home. And as she paints the hills, the dry tinderboxes waiting to catch flame as summer turns into fall, she loses herself in the sensation of dragging the brush across canvas and the mesmerizing vision of endless golden hills. She too is waiting for a spark, something or someone at this college to help her burn brighter. For the first time, she feels ready for that ignition. She remembers that she came here to become a better version of herself, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, but she can’t do that if she’s too afraid of getting burnt to throw herself into her new life.


	2. So anyway, here's Wonderwall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster makes friends :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: accidental outing, vague references to homophobia, drinking under the age of 21
> 
> Also, I did a small edit to the first chapter. I realized that I wanted Aster to be from San Pedro, another city in L.A. that is actually hilly because Cerritos (a.k.a little hills in English) ironically has no hills at all.

Aster is laboring over her latest practice set for statistics while Ellie types away at the other desk in their room. It’s already been a month of equations and significant figures but it still feels like every question is a struggle. She’s almost relieved when knocking on the door interrupts her third attempt at a particularly complex calculation. Ellie shuts her laptop, opens the door, and almost falls over as someone big enough to be a linebacker barrels into the room.

“Ellie, get ready! We’re going to miss it!” yells the stranger, who Aster recognizes as the same boy she saw sitting with Ellie in the cafeteria at the start of the semester.

“Calm down, Paul,” Ellie retorts dryly. “I know how much you care about this, for whatever reason. I wouldn’t forget.”

Aster clears her throat awkwardly. “Where are you guys going?”

“One of the frat houses is throwing a party and Paul is convinced, mistakenly I should say, that we’re somehow going to make friends with a bunch of people there,” Ellie says snidely.

“Hey,” he says, “It’s a good way to meet new people.”

“Yeah, if by meeting new people you mean making out with someone and forgetting their name the next day.” Ellie looks at Paul pointedly.

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Sure, but I don’t think that’s how you make a lasting friendship.”

Before Ellie and Paul can keep bickering, Aster asks “So I’m guessing that’s not how you two met?”

Ellie shoots a wry glance at Paul. “No. He was terrible at English in high school. I edited his essays so that he wouldn’t fail out and get kicked off the football team.”

“And I made her taco sausages, which I invented. After that, her dad loved me, so I stuck around.”

Aster smiles at them. “So you’ve been dating since high school?”

It’s almost creepy the way they both start laughing at the exact same moment after a second of total silence. 

“No way,” says Ellie. “Our bond goes way deeper than trite high school romance.”

“You’ll have to forgive Ellie. She sometimes forgets that the rest of us don’t read classic literature and philosophy. She just means that we’re best friends.”

“Anyway, we should get going before the party gets too crazy,” Ellie says. She looks at Paul and they exchange a series of glances that Aster doesn’t know how to interpret, but eventually must come to some sort of conclusion because Ellie says “Do you want to come to with us Aster?”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to intrude…” Aster trails off.

“Of course you wouldn’t!” exclaims Paul eagerly. “Don’t be scared off by Ellie. She might seem sarcastic at first, but she’s actually really sweet once you get to know her.”

“Don’t give away my secrets, Paul,” Ellie scoffs. “Seriously though, Aster, I know we’ve both been too busy drowning in classwork to hang out very much, but it’d be cool if you came.”

“Okay then,” Aster says. “Let me just grab my phone.”

As they ride the elevator down to the first floor and then walk the ten minute route to the frat house, Aster realizes that this is the first time she’s gone out with friends. She’s friendly with people in class and has met up with study groups, but she hasn’t really found a group that she can hang out with outside of school. Listening to Ellie and Paul’s easy banter as they walk through the crisp October air makes her think that these could be her people. They might not be friends yet, but the night was still young.

When they finally enter the house, Aster feels like she’s been stuck in a can of sardines. She can feel sweat rubbing off of dancing bodies onto her as she, Ellie, and Paul push their way into the kitchen. They grab beer, but after a couple of sips Aster grimaces and decides that it is definitely not the drink for her. But she doesn’t have time to think about it too much because Ellie and Paul are yelling at her to come dance. Aster’s never been much of a dancer, but she immediately relaxes because Ellie and Paul are just jumping up and down and messing around. They must spend an hour or two just moving with the music, but it all blurs together with the bass reverberating through the walls and what must be a strobe light flashing through the house. Finally, after Paul dabs and Ellie teases him for being three years behind on pop culture, he suggests that they hit up Rosie’s Diner on the walk back.

The diner is crowded for a Friday night, but soon enough they’re eating fries and milkshakes. 

“So, Aster,” Ellie says while stealing Paul’s ketchup. “You said you’re from L.A., right? What made you pick Portland instead of somewhere with like, beaches and perfect weather?”

Aster laughs. “I don’t know. I got accepted and they gave me a good financial aid package. And I guess I just wanted to be away from parents.”

“Don’t you miss them though?” asks Paul. “I have a huge family and I don’t think I could have handled starting college without knowing that they were a twenty minute drive away if I needed them.”

“I mean sure, I miss them a lot, but my dad’s a pastor, so I always felt a lot of pressure to be a good role model.”

Ellie nods thoughtfully. “That must be hard. My dad’s an engineer, so it’s not like I have to be morally perfect. But it’s just him and me. And sometimes because of that it feels like I have to be everything for him.”

Aster smiles at Ellie. Whether it’s from the dancing or the food or finally just starting to connect with someone beyond having the same classes, Aster feels warm inside. It seems like she and Ellie had just needed to break the ice to find out that they had something in common.

～～～

During lunch the next Monday, Aster sees Ellie and Paul across the cafeteria, but this time Ellie smiles at her and waves her over.

“Aster,” says Ellie. “What’s your opinion on Yakult?”

“Sorry, what is that?” Aster asks.

“NO. I can’t believe you just said that,” says Paul. “My life changed when I first had Yakult. We’ll get some for you tomorrow so you can try it.”

And just like that, Aster has a place to sit for lunch and people to eat with. She bounces off her ideas for paintings on them and at least once a week, Paul makes her try some weird food mashup he’s made like chicken mole pizza that really shouldn’t taste good, but does somehow. And through every wisecrack or quote from a long dead author or small details about her dad that Ellie gives, Aster feels like she’s getting to know Ellie better than anyone in a long time.

So, she feels a bit blindsided when she walks in on Ellie kissing a girl in their room. Aster’s painting class is canceled because Professor Fenderstein caught the flu. Consequently, she heads back up to her room two hours earlier than usual. When she gets out of the elevator, she can hear the dulcet tones of someone strumming a guitar. She thinks she’s heard the song before; it sounds like a classical piece. Then, the song ends, and it’s completely quiet as she opens the door and sees an acoustic guitar lying abandoned on Ellie’s bed as Ellie kisses some blonde girl next to it. 

“Oh,” says Aster faintly. “I didn’t know you...played guitar.”

Ellie pulls back quickly from the other girl and looks at Aster in shock. “I thought you were painting?”

“The professor’s sick today. Um, do you want me to come back later?”

“No, it’s fine.” She turns to the blonde girl. “Sorry, Amanda, can we hang out later?”

“Sure,” Amanda says. “I’ll call you.”

As Amanda leaves the room, Ellie turns to face Aster. “I guess we should talk. Let me just put my guitar away.” 

As Ellie puts the guitar in its case, zips it up, and sticks it under her bed. Aster takes the moment to collect her thoughts. Ellie plays the guitar. Aster didn’t even know she owned a guitar. Also, Ellie likes girls. Aster didn’t know that either. Her first instinct is to feel betrayed. It seems like Ellie should have told her about something that’s such a big part of her life. But that feeling is overcome by concern. Had she said or done something that made Ellie feel uncomfortable being herself around Aster? 

She’s starting to panic so she just blurts out “I’m sorry! I mean, I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t come out to me or tell me about your girlfriend? I know some sects of Christianity have been homophobic, but I don’t believe in that. I just want you to know that I’m totally cool with it.”

Ellie laughs halfheartedly. “That’s a relief. But I didn’t feel like I had to tell you. No one is ever obligated to come out.”

“Yeah, of course.” Aster feels like banging her head on a wall. It’s not like she told Ellie that she was straight. So, why should Ellie have needed to tell Aster about her sexuality if she didn’t want to? It seemed simple when she thought about it that way.

“Also,” Ellie looks away from her. “I kind of didn’t want this to be a big deal. I know that I’m a lesbian and I’m fine with that, but sometimes telling people that gives them another box to check in a list of the ways I’m different than them.” There’s a moment of silence and then Ellie looks right at her. “Plus you’re the closest friend I’ve made here and I didn’t want things to change.” 

Aster pauses to think through her next words carefully. “I’m sorry that you can be alienated just because of who you are. That’s not fair. But nothing has to change with us. All it means is that I learned something new about you. It doesn’t have to mean anything more than the fact I know that you play guitar now. Okay?”

“Okay.” Ellie smiles shyly at her.

“Okay,” Aster parrots back. “Is it okay if I hug you?”

“No, I only hug my friends who knock before interrupting a date.” 

An undignified snort escapes from Aster. “Okay, my bad. Maybe we should make a do not disturb sign for the room or something.”

“Ha. Good idea. I’m just messing with you though. You don’t have to ask to hug me. Let’s just agree to tell each other if we’re ever crossing lines, okay?”

“Okay.” Aster sits on the bed and Ellie wraps her arms around Aster. Aster closes her eyes as she leans into Ellie’s neck. She smells like the laundry detergent they both use but also like something sweeter and more citrusy. Aster thinks it might be oranges, but it doesn’t really matter what it is because with Ellie’s scent and her arms enveloping Aster, it feels like she lost a weight she didn’t even know she was carrying. Maybe Aster’s just touch starved from living for two months without her family, but this feels like the most comforting hug she’s ever been given. She feels like she could just exist in the moment with Ellie forever, but she knows it has to end somehow.

So she whispers in an overly serious tone, “One last thing. How could you not tell me you were a guitarist?”

Ellie laughs quietly. Aster can barely hear it but she can tell because she feels Ellie’s shoulders shaking gently against hers. “Are you really that surprised about the guitar? I have loads of hidden talents.”

“I’m just impressed. I used to sing, but I could never get the hang of playing an instrument. What song were you playing?”

“Wonderwall.”

Aster pulls away from Ellie and glares at her accusingly. “Now I know you’re just messing with me.”

“It was just a joke, sheesh,” Ellie says. Her eyes are sparkling now and Aster is so relieved to see her friend looking happy again that she almost misses when Ellie answers her seriously. “It was Gymnopedie No. 1.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gymnopedie No. 1 by Erik Satie was originally written for piano but it also sounds sick as a solo guitar piece


	3. The Roommate Contract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster and Ellie deal with the trials of being roommates.

After Aster barged in on Ellie and Amanda, she decides that they should be able to ask for the room to themselves. Before they were friends and even after they started hanging out, Aster had refrained from asking Ellie to change anything about how they lived together because she was afraid to upset their unspoken agreement to let each other do their own thing in their room. But, if she had learned anything from the guitar incident (which is what she started calling it in her head), it was that it would be easier for them to live together if they could ask for stuff like privacy instead of tiptoeing around each other. So, after Aster comes back from church the Sunday after the guitar incident, she pins a piece of paper to the wall halfway between their desks.

“We need to talk,” she announces.

Ellie closes her copy of Nietzsche’s Unfashionable Observations and side eyes Aster. “Have you finally gotten sick of Paul’s food concoctions? Because to be honest with you, I think he would take a refusal to try his cooking as a personal attack.”

“Very funny. But, this isn’t about Paul. This is about us. We need a roommate contract.”

“Why? What even is that?”

“Well, I know we joked about putting a do not disturb sign on our door. But, I think we should actually talk about stuff that would make it easier for us to live together. Because even though I like rooming with you, this is still a pretty small place for two people to be all the time.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” Ellie says as she rolls her chair over to the list. “So we want to say what bothers us. Does me playing the guitar annoy you? Because I tried to play while you were in class, but I could start using a practice room or something.”

“No that’s fine. I actually really like to listen to you play while I study. It’s soothing. But it can be kind of annoying when you’re up typing lit analyses at midnight and I need to sleep. I get that you have to get work done, but could you at least try to finish earlier when I have a test the next day?”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize that bothered you. I can plan to finish earlier those days if you tell me a couple days in advance.”

“Okay, great. What do you want from me?”

“Well, Aster, I appreciate that you have an impeccable taste in fashion, but I appreciate it less when you turn on the lights at 7 in the morning on Wednesdays. I know you want to look good for your 8 am lecture, but you’re waking me up two hours before I have to get up,” Ellie says dryly.   
Aster flushes. “Sorry, I didn’t think about that. I can decide what I’m going to wear on Tuesday nights.”

When they finally finish making compromises, Ellie writes “Weekly Airings of Grievances” at the bottom of the page.

Aster furrows her brow. “Is that some literature joke I don’t get?”

“No,” Ellie laughs. “I just think that this was a good idea and we should keep updating the Roommate Contract. Maybe every Sunday we can see if there’s anything else we have to bring up. You know, like grievances.”

So the Weekly Airings of Grievances becomes a part of their routine. It makes it easier for them to coexist as roommates without getting annoyed at each other’s cleaning and sleeping habits. It also makes Aster feel more confident about her friendship with Ellie because it’s easier to say no. Aster knows that just like how she sometimes wants to disappear into painting, Ellie also needs time to read a book or play her guitar so she can be alone with her thoughts. Now Aster knows that she can ask Ellie to study with her in the library or get breakfast together on the weekends without worrying that Ellie is agreeing just to be polite. At the same time, she knows that Ellie won’t take it personally if Aster needs time to recharge and doesn’t feel like hanging out. But even though Aster and Ellie have gotten good at knowing when to push each other and when to leave each other alone, they still get into petty arguments. One of those arguments was bound to explode out of proportion.

It’s finals week. Aster just needs to make it through her communications final tomorrow before she takes a flight to LAX for the winter break. She only slept four hours the night before and she’s hit with the sickening but ultimately useless reminder that she should have started studying a week ago instead of the night before the test. It’s not helping that she can see that Ellie is just texting Paul even though she knows that Ellie has a test on Crime and Punishment the next day.

“Shouldn’t you be studying?” Aster asks exasperatedly.

Ellie doesn’t look up from her phone. “Nah I’ve got this one down. I’ve read Crime and Punishment so many times that I’m pretty sure I understand it better than Dostoyevsky did.”

Aster rolls her eyes. “Of course. I wouldn’t expect anything better from a model student like you.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you procrastinated.” Ellie puts her phone down and looks at Aster more closely. “Sorry, I know you can’t really change that now. But you should relax. It’s just communications.”

“Just communications?” Aster can feel her face heating up. “You know that’s my major, right? This is literally the only class I can’t fail.”

“I know, but do you really think you’re going to stay with that track?”

“What does that mean?”

Ellie taps her fingers on her desk agitatedly and looks away from Aster. “All I’m saying is that you never talk about communications and you always do the work for it at the last minute.”

Somewhere in Aster’s mind she realizes the truth of what Ellie is saying, but in the moment she just feels attacked. “If you know so much, then what am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

“Look, Aster, I didn’t mean to make you angry. I just see how passionate you are when you paint and I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to study art.”

Aster stands up and throws her notes back onto her desk. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand, but not all of us can just go to college and major in art or English. Some of us can’t afford to spend four years of tuition just to call ourselves an artist but end up 60,000 dollars in debt working a minimum wage job.” She storms out of the room and slams the door, cutting off whatever Ellie might have tried to say back to her.

～～～

Aster goes to the library and spends ten minutes crying in the back corner until she remembers that her final tomorrow is going to happen regardless of whatever problems she has in her personal life. Consequently, she resolves not to think about her fight with Ellie until she is officially done with the semester. She does her best to finish studying. When she finally makes it back to the dorm at ten, Ellie is in bed facing the wall. Aster knows Ellie doesn’t go to bed until midnight most days. She steps toward the bed and reaches her hand out, but she hesitates. Everything they said to each other still feels too raw. So she takes a step back and goes up the ladder to her bed instead. She lies there for an hour, trying not to think about the way Ellie had seemed to cave in on herself as Aster yelled at her. Eventually, exhaustion overcomes her.

She wakes up to an empty room. She takes the final. The image of Ellie facing away from her and pretending to be asleep keeps rising unbidden in her mind as she tries to answer questions. But she manages to finish the test, and she thinks she probably at least passed. When she finishes the fifteen minute walk back to her dorm, she opens the door to her and Ellie’s room and sees that the lower bunk has been stripped bare. There are a couple pens and pencils left on Ellie’s desk, but when Aster checks under the bed and sees that Ellie’s guitar is gone, she knows for sure that Ellie has left. Aster stands in the middle of the room for a moment as she looks at the fallen Roommate Contract on the floor. Then she just starts packing. 

She tries not to think about Ellie as she folds the pale blue dress that Ellie said was her favorite color. She tries not to think about Ellie as she takes the same route they always walked when they went to get pancakes from Rosie’s Diner. She tries not to think about Ellie when it starts to pour as she enters the airport, even though Ellie had told her once late at night that she always loved unexpected showers because they felt like a new beginning. But even though she knows she’s going toward family and warm, sunny days in the rolling hills of home, part of her feels like a flicker of flame, something that had been growing inside of her since Ellie first called her paintings bold, is being extinguished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the more i write this, the less sure i am about what a communications major actually is...


	4. Christmas Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster apologizes to Ellie and spends winter break with her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Te quiero, m'ija" = i love you, daughter (but it sounds more natural b/c mija is a term of endearment)

After her mom and dad pick her up from LAX and they’ve finished dinner, Aster goes to her room and shuts the door. Her hands are shaking as she scrolls toward the names with E on her contacts list. She breathes in for 4 counts, holds for 7, and then breathes out for 8. It helps a little, but it still feels like this is too important to do over the phone. But Aster can’t wait to apologize to Ellie until she sees her in another three weeks. She hits call.

After the third ring, she hears a crackle and then “Hello?”

“Hi, Ellie. Is this a good time to talk?”

“Um. Yeah.”

“Okay. I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for the way I blew up at you yesterday. It’s not an excuse but I was really stressed about finals. I know we don’t really talk about this kind of stuff, but I’m on a scholarship and I need to keep a 3.5 GPA to keep it. That’s part of the reason I was so worried. But anyway, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Aster waits with bated breath as a few seconds pass. She can almost see Ellie scrunching up her eyebrows the way that she does when she’s really thinking something through.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Ellie says “Okay. I forgive you. And it’s okay that you get angry and stressed sometimes. But next time try talking to me about it instead of yelling.” She sighs. “And I shouldn’t have pressed you about your major without listening to you. I’m sorry for that. But I can listen now if you want to talk about it.”

Aster smiles. It suddenly feels like she can breathe normally again. “Okay. I know why you think that I should study art. I love painting. But painting isn’t a steady job or something I know I can be successful in. It’s like, when my parents were my age, they had already moved here even though they knew it would be hard because they wanted me to have better opportunities. I can’t throw that away.”

“That makes sense. But don’t you think some of those opportunities are the ability to take a risk? My dad left China for the same reasons your parents came here. He could have been a professor if he spoke better English. Instead, he had to work a lot of odd jobs until he was hired as an engineer for the company he works at now. Watching him work at jobs that he disliked or bored him for so many years made me feel like I owe it to him to use the opportunities I have to do something I love. And even though he doesn’t always say it, I know he just wants me to be happy.”

Aster unravels the end of her braid as she thinks about what Ellie said. She had never thought about how much Ellie also understood the pressure of being the child of immigrants. But she still doesn’t think it’s as simple as Ellie said. It’s not as simple as just choosing whether or not to be happy.

“I understand what you’re saying. But I don’t think I’ll be happy if I take a risk and end up not being able to support myself,” Aster tries to explain. “So maybe we can just agree to disagree?”

“Okay. Only you know what’s best for you,” Ellie hesitates. “But I still think you should keep painting. I know you won’t need to for class once the new semester starts, but you should keep doing it, even just as a hobby.”

Aster raises an eyebrow in question before she remembers that Ellie can’t actually see her. “Why do you care so much about my painting?”

“It makes you happy,” Ellie says simply.

“Oh.” People had called her a talented artist before, but no one had ever told her that her painting was valuable because of how it made her feel. With just those four words, Aster feels like she’s in Ellie’s arms again, smelling oranges even though she knows they’re a thousand miles apart. “Thank you. I, uh,” her voice cracks. “I will.” She waits for a few seconds, just listening to the quiet sounds of Ellie breathing.

“Um, I should go now. My dad’s favorite tv show is about to come on. Can we talk more tomorrow?” Ellie asks.

“Yeah, of course. Good night, Ellie.”

“Good night, Aster.”

～～～

Aster hears the buzz of an incoming call and she grabs her phone quickly. She sighs when she sees it’s just Paul. Then she immediately feels a rush of guilt. She’s been so busy talking to Ellie the past week that she hasn’t talked to Paul since she saw him at school. She makes a mental note to call him or at least text him more often.

She hits accept call. “Merry Christmas!” Paul says cheerily. Aster can hear the sounds of people talking and glasses clinking in the background.

“Merry Christmas, Paul! How has your break been going?” she asks.

“Great! It’s been good having a kitchen again. I’ve been trying a few recipes.”

“Cool. That sounds fun,” Aster replies.

“What have you been up to?”

“Well, my grandparents and a bunch of my cousins who live in Mexico just got here to celebrate Christmas, so I’ve been spending time with them.” Just as she finishes saying that, Aster hears her little cousin Rosa yelling that they’re going to be late for church. “Speak of the devil, my cousin’s yelling at me that I’m going to make them late. Can I call you back later?”

“Yeah, sure. Talk to you soon!”

After Aster hangs up, she hops into the back of the pickup truck and they head for the Christmas Eve service. When her dad starts his sermon, she closes her eyes and lets his words wash over her. It’s soothing to hear her father talk about God’s unconditional love for them. She realizes that she’s missed this. In Portland she had gone to church most Sundays, but it wasn’t the same. Growing up as a pastor’s daughter had tied family and religion together in a messy knot that was ripped out of her when she left for college. So it’s nice to have it back, even just temporarily.

～～～

“Aster, is there anything you want to tell me?” her dad asks.

Aster startles and looks up from where she was finishing packing her clothes. “What? No. If I had something to tell you I would have said it anytime in the past three weeks. I wouldn’t have waited till the last minute. Unless,” she looks at her dad more closely. “Is this some reverse psychology thing where really you want to tell me something?”

Her dad laughs warmly. It hits her that it’s the last time she’s going to hear that sound for another four months. “It’s not a trick. I just wanted to say that you’re a different person than when you left in September.”

Aster stares at him in confusion. “What —”

He holds up his hand. “Let me finish. It might not be a big change yet, but you’re going to keep growing in college and discovering things about yourself. And that’s okay. That’s a good thing! I just want you to know that I’m here for you. You can always talk to me, okay?”

“Yeah, I know Dad.”

“Good.” He reaches out his arms. “Now give your old man one more hug before your mom comes back and makes fun of me for being too emotional.” Aster hugs him and laughs as he lifts her off the floor a little and does a half hearted attempt at a twirl.

“Don’t laugh at me,” her dad says fondly. “That was easier when you were little.” And even though Aster is only a couple inches shorter than her dad now, she thinks that when her dad hugs her, she’ll always feel like a little kid; like when he kisses the top of her head and says “Te quiero, m’ija,” nothing will be able to hurt her. 

～～～

Even though Aster did tear up a bit before she went through security, she’s feeling a lot better by the time her plane lands. It’s harder to leave her family a second time now that she knows firsthand how much it sucks to only be able to talk to them over the phone, but she also feels like some magnetic force is pulling her back to Portland. When Aster finally finds her luggage and sees Ellie and Paul waiting for her in the terminal, she runs at Ellie and hugs her so tightly that she almost knocks her over. Just like that, she no longer feels like she’s being pulled.

She’s dragged out of her thoughts by Paul. “What am I, chopped liver?” he asks indignantly. 

“Sorry, Paul,” Aster says breathlessly. “You know I missed you too.” She extracts herself from Ellie’s tight grip to give Paul a quick hug. “Let’s head to Rosie’s. Three weeks is way too long to go without their peanut butter chocolate milkshakes.”

Paul starts telling her about the new recipes that he tried over the break and it might just be her imagination, but she thinks that as she walks between two of her favorite people in the world, she can breathe a little deeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i originally wanted the conversation between aster and paul to happen over text but i had some formatting issues and i had to delete it. but hey, people still talk on the phone the old fashioned way


	5. A Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie deals with a breakup. Aster starts a new painting project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: swearing

On the way to the philosophy 101, Aster and Ellie are stopped by a guy with the clipboard. Aster is prepared to tell him that she doesn’t need a credit card, not even if it comes with a free branded t-shirt, but to her surprise, the clipboard says Portland U Creative Exposition. 

“Hey y’all,” he says. “The dean has listened to student requests for a more creative space, so we’re going to be exhibiting student work on the Monday before spring break. It can be music, dance, art—as long as you create it, it counts.”

Ellie grabs the pen and writes down her, Aster, and Paul’s names down. “Thanks, man. It sounds cool.”

Aster stands still for a moment in confusion before she hurries to catch up to Ellie. “Wait, why’d you put our names down?”

Ellie looks back at her over her shoulder. “I just thought it could be something fun we could do together. You could paint something; I could write a song. Paul could even submit his weird ass taco sausages. But if you don’t want to do it, that’s chill too. It’s up to you.”

By now they’ve reached the philosophy lecture hall, so Aster just says “Let me think about it.” The idea of so many people seeing her art is nerve wracking. When she’s really inspired, she leaves all her emotions on the canvas. It would be like exposing her soul for strangers to look at. Even though it would be a good excuse to hang out with Ellie, she’s not sure she’s ready for so many people to judge her art.

She’s still thinking about it when she grabs the class syllabus and follows Ellie into one of the back rows of the lecture hall, but she puts it out of her mind when Professor Rivera starts talking about Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. It’s a lot more confusing than her history, health, or communications class, so she can’t help feeling relieved that at least she’ll be struggling alongside Ellie.

～～～

Aster is taking notes on the Revolutionary War when she hears the door opening.

“Hey, Ellie,” she says as she keeps typing. “How was your poetry seminar?” 

When Ellie doesn’t respond, Aster swivels her chair around. Her mouth drops open. Ellie is crying silently. “What’s wrong?”

Ellie shakes her head. “It’s dumb. We were only dating for a couple of months.”

Aster quickly shuts her laptop and sits down gingerly on the bed next to Ellie. “Oh, did Amanda—”

“Yeah. Yeah she dumped me. It’s not like I was in love with her or anything. But she was my first real girlfriend. And she ambushed me after class to say that she couldn’t see herself with me long term.” Ellie wipes her eyes with the back of her hands. “Am I that unlovable?”

Aster clenches her fists. “Amanda is an idiot if she can’t see how amazing you are. Anyone would be lucky to fall in love with you.”

Ellie lets out a strangled laugh. “Well every girl I’ve ever had a crush on besides her would disagree. And I guess she would too now.”

Ellie’s words feel like a suckerpunch to Aster’s stomach. She wishes she could protect Ellie from the pain of rejection and abandonment. Ellie deserves it less than anyone else in the world. But all she can do is reach for Ellie and let her cry into her shoulder. She just strokes the back of her head and whispers “It’s okay. You can just let it out.” 

They sit together on Ellie’s bed for a long while after that. As Aster’s shirt gets wetter and wetter, she prays that Ellie knows that she will always be loved as long as Aster is around, even if she doesn’t have the romantic love she deserves.

～～～

Ellie goes to bed earlier than usual the day of the break up. Aster notices that she’s a lot more subdued the next couple of days. She still edits Paul’s essay and trash talks his writing in the teasing way that Aster has learned is how Ellie and Paul express their affection for each other. But she picks at her food while she does it and when Aster offers her Yakult, she says that Paul can have it. Aster and Paul exchange concerned glances at this, but they don’t really know what to do except give Ellie time to grieve the end of her first relationship.

However, after a week of watching Ellie’s smile dim when she thinks no one is watching, Aster decides Ellie needs something else to focus on if she wants to get over Amanda completely. While Professor Rivera starts explaining the finer points of Nieztsche’s philosophy, Aster opens up her spiral notebook to a fresh page and jots down “Are you ready to start working on your song for the expo? Professor Fenderstein already told me I can paint in her classroom whenever she’s not teaching.” She angles the notebook toward Ellie and elbows her, looking pointedly at the paper. Ellie looks at her disapprovingly, but sighs and pulls the spiral closer when Aster keeps looking at her expectantly.

“I thought you weren’t sure about the expo?” she writes. “Also shouldn’t you be paying attention?” She pushes the spiral back toward Aster.

“You already told me all about Nietzsche’s will to power last semester when you were reading his books (for fun I should add!) Can’t believe you’re such a nerd.” 

She watches Ellie skim the page and turn to glare at her. She starts scribbling furiously. “Wow. You’re SO funny. I’m dying from laughter. Seriously though, you want to do the expo?”

After Aster reads the note, she hesitates for a split second, but she remembers that she’s doing this for Ellie too. She writes “I know it’ll be a bit scary. But I’ll be okay because I’m doing it with you.” 

Ellie smiles when she reads this and writes “Okay. Let’s brainstorm on Saturday. Paul said he’d do it too. Now pay attention!”

Aster acts like she’s coughing into her elbow so she can laugh a little without making the professor mad. But she does go back to taking notes.

～～～

Aster is messing around with a stack of well worn paintbrushes when she drops a particularly old and brittle brush that breaks on impact with the floor. “Shit,” she mutters under her breath.

Ellie stops tuning her guitar. “Language, Aster,” she teases. “I can’t believe you would say that in front of Paul.”

Paul looks up from where he was scrolling on his phone while laying across three chairs. “Hey, there’s no shame in only using respectful language. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone that I wouldn’t say to my own mother.”

Ellie gives him a look. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just respectful language your mom used when you told her that you changed the family sausage recipe for your sausage tacos.”

“Hey! My mom will change her mind once she tries my sausage tacos at the expo,” Paul exclaims indignantly. 

“Well, Paul, at least you actually know what you’re going to do,” Aster interjects. “I don’t know what I should do. My first thought was to paint San Pedro or Portland U, but I’m sick of doing landscapes.”

“Maybe you should do portraits. I’ll model.” Paul strikes a ridiculous pose and then promptly falls onto the ground.

Aster and Ellie burst out laughing. Paul dusts himself off and scowls at them. “Fine, then maybe not me.” He snaps his fingers. “I’ve got it! Paint Ellie.”

The idea of painting Ellie makes Aster feel...something. She’s not sure what the name is for the feeling of butterflies in her stomach. She doesn’t think it’s nervousness. Why would she be nervous? She’s not used to painting people, but outside of painting her parents, she can’t think of anyone besides Ellie that she would be more comfortable painting. 

“That’s actually a good idea,” she says. “I mean, only if you want to though.”

Ellie smiles at her. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're thinking: why is aster so oblivious to her feelings for ellie, when will she figure it out? i can only say compulsory heterosexuality, and also chapter 7 ;) (we're almost there folks!)


	6. Hyperrealism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster paints Ellie and talks about religion. Paul tells Aster about a new person in his life.

The rain is coming down in sheets as Aster hurries across campus. The walkway is eerily empty. On a sunny day, there would be tables set up on either side of the cobblestone sidewalk. People hollering to join their club, sign a petition, send in a job application. Instead, there is only the occasional nod from a figure wrapped tight in a raincoat with their hood pulled firmly over their head, obscuring their face. She could be passing the Dean of the college and she wouldn’t know. Her only company is the splattering of raindrops as buckets of water crash down from the angry grey clouds above. She pulls off her windbreaker and shakes droplets out of her hair as she enters Professor Fenderstein’s classroom. Ellie is supposed to be coming later after her poetry class, but Aster wants to have time to set up before she gets here. 

Aster pulls out the paintbrushes, paint, and canvasses. Then she turns around in a slow circle with her hands on her hips, assessing the room. There are a dozen easels set up around the room with white sheets thrown haphazardly over them. The chalkboard at the front of the room is partly obscured by stacks of plastic black chairs. Finally, she sees the room’s one window, a wide octagonal continuous pane of glass. She slides one of the chairs in front of and to the side of the window and then sets up a canvas in front of the chair. 

Now she only has to figure out what she’s going to do. She wants to do a triptych so that she can showcase three different painting styles. She had gone down a wikipedia rabbit hole for hyperrealism last night and found Pedro Campos’ paintings. They were so meticulously detailed that they could have been mistaken for photographs. She knows she won’t be able to reach the same level of mastery as Campos, but she wants to attempt a painting with the same level of realism that his art has. If all goes as planned, that painting will be finished today and look good enough to be the centerpiece. For one of the other paintings, she’s thinking of doing a full portrait of Ellie in a cubist style. The harsh geometric forms and angles should contrast well with the realistic portrait. As for the final portrait, she’s just hoping that inspiration strikes sometime in the next three weeks.

Aster turns around at the sound of the door opening. “Hey, Ellie. How was your poetry seminar?” She can’t help remembering the last time she asked that question, but this time Ellie just smiles at her.

“It was good. We’re reading love poems by Pablo Neruda,” she says.

“Oh, cool,” Aster responds. She claps her hands together awkwardly. “So, uh I guess you can just sit on that chair.”

Ellie grins at her. “Your wish is my command.” The weird tension that had accumulated in her shoulders at the idea of painting Ellie dissipates with Ellie’s lighthearted tone. “Actually though, I have a lab tonight for bio, so is this going to take more than five hours?” 

Aster laughs. “Don’t worry. It’ll probably take two hours at most because the canvas is only half a foot on either side. I’m also doing two other paintings, but they’re going to be more abstract so you don’t have to pose for those.”

Ellie drops her bag onto the floor and settles down on the chair. “Alright. Draw me like one of your french girls.”

Time passes with the steady drip of rain outside and Ellie’s summaries of different philosophies that Aster hopes will stick in her mind come test time. But she knows it’s not about class when Ellie asks “Why do you believe in God?” then immediately says “Sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”

Aster pauses momentarily. “It’s okay.” She starts painting again and takes a minute to order her thoughts. “I guess the easy answer is that my parents taught me to believe. But it’s more than that. It’s like, when my whole family visits I lie in the grass and look up and see that there’s not a cloud in sight. Or when Professor Rivera stops teaching about philosophy to wax poetic about her dog and you and I look at each other and I know we’re thinking the exact same thing. It’s just these little moments where I feel so connected with other people that I think there must be something bigger out there.” 

She stops painting and looks away from Ellie. She’s never had to explain her beliefs to anyone before. She doesn’t usually talk about religion with people outside of her church and everyone at church assumes that she shares the same beliefs as them. It feels like she’s exposed some part of herself that had been hidden away. But Ellie just says, “Wow.” Aster looks over at her and sees nothing but sincerity. “It must be nice to believe in something like that so strongly.”

Aster smiles wryly. “Well it’s not perfect. I have a lot of doubts sometimes.” She looks at Ellie curiously. “Why did you want to know?”

Ellie looks away. “Just your garden variety existential crisis.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Aster asks.

“Maybe later,” Ellie says. “Thanks, though.”

“Sure.” And just like that, the painting is done.

～～～

Aster is coming out of her history lecture when Paul comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. “Hey, can we talk?”

“Sure. Do you want to come to my dorm?”

Paul looks away skittishly. “Actually could we just talk while you walk there? I wanted to talk to you without Ellie.”

Aster frowns. “Sure, but why can’t Ellie know?”

“Well, I think she’s pretty much over the whole Amanda thing, but it’s probably not even going to work out and I didn’t want to bother her,” he stammers. 

Aster shakes her head in confusion. “Wait, start from the beginning. What isn’t going to work out?”

Paul grips the straps of his backpack tightly. “There’s this girl in my chemistry class. Well, not just any girl. She’s my lab partner. She’s really smart, like as smart as Ellie. And she has the best smile.” His whole face turns a vibrant shade of fuchsia. “Anyway, you get the point.”

Aster grins at him. “She sounds great, Paul.” She bumps his shoulder gently with hers. “Do I get to know her name?” 

He stops mid stride. “Right! I should have led with that. Her name’s Maya.” 

“So are you going to ask her out?”

He looks away bashfully. “Actually she asked me to get dinner with her on Friday. That’s why I wanted to ask for your advice. I really don’t want to mess this up.”

“Of course. But you should ask Ellie for help too. I know you’re trying to be sensitive but I think she’ll be more hurt if you don’t tell her. Besides, I’m not some dating expert.” She winks at him. “You’ll need both of us if you want any useful advice.”

Paul nods. “You’re right. Ellie hates not knowing things. I’ll tell her later.”

“Good. I’m happy for you Paul,” she says as she waves goodbye to him and walks the last ten feet to the Cypress Residential Hall.

And she is happy for him. But as she slides her id into the lock to get into her building she gets a weird feeling in her stomach. She’s been in college for five months now and she hasn’t even thought about dating anyone. It’s strange. When she was in high school she had wondered if dating would feel different in college, but she hadn’t even had the smallest of crushes on a guy yet. Maybe it’s a good thing though. There’s less drama this way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> perhaps aster hasn’t had a crush on anyone because she already likes someone but just doesn't know it yet...hmmm….just a thought


	7. The Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster displays her art at the expo. She has a revelation about her feelings for Ellie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: swearing

Aster barely registers the sound of Ellie plucking out a melody on her guitar as she slumps into her desk chair. She had struggled through an hour lecture on the Prohibition that was, ironically, very dry and then spent another two hours painting the cubist panel for the triptych. By the time she was putting the finishing strokes on the painting, she didn’t even care if it was good. She just wanted to be done. She couldn’t even remember walking back to the dorm. 

She slides off of the chair and lays down on the floor alongside the bed. She tilts her head up to look at Ellie. 

“I’m dead,” she declares morosely. 

Ellie puts down her guitar and peers down at her. “Aren’t we all,” she muses. 

Aster flings her arm dramatically to cover her eyes. “Seriously though. I’m the deadest. I still have one painting to go and less than a month until the expo. I don’t know what I’m going to do!”

“I thought you said you get inspired under pressure,” Ellie says dryly. 

“That was just the procrastinator in me talking.” Aster sighs. “Maybe I just need a break. Are you ready for the expo?” 

“Sort of. I have the chords. But I’m still messing around with the lyrics.”

“Can I hear the current version?” Aster asks. 

“Nah. You can hear it when I perform it at the expo. If I can’t see the paintings of myself till then, then you can’t hear your song either.”

Aster sits up. “Wait. It’s about me?”

“Duh. Who else would it be about?”

This gives Aster a warm, fuzzy feeling that she doesn’t have time to decipher because she suddenly remembers what she wanted to ask Ellie. “Hey. Did you hear how Paul’s date with Maya went? It’s been radio silence on my end.”

Ellie shrugs. “Same here. But it was their third date. I’m sure anything that could have gone wrong would have already wrong the first two times.” She strokes her chin thoughtfully. “It could be a good thing. You know what third dates mean.”

Aster stares at her blankly for a moment before she realizes what Ellie is insinuating. “Ellie Chu.” She shakes her head in mock disapproval. “Who would have thought you had your head stuck in the gutter?”

Ellie laughs. “At least I never went for the joke of how they have chemistry together.” 

“That is actually the worst thing I’ve ever heard,” Aster says, but for some reason she starts laughing uncontrollably. Maybe she’s just at that stage of sleep deprived where any joke sounds like the funniest thing ever. But at least for a moment, she feels the stress she’s been carrying around all day abate. 

～～～

Class. Lunch with Ellie and Paul. Class again. Studying. Sleeping, then starting the cycle all over again. The days blur together in this formula, with “painting the last panel of the triptych” being conspicuously absent from the list of things Aster does every day. Somehow the whole month has passed in this way, and it’s already the Sunday before the exposition. Aster’s not worried about her classes; all her professors had coincidentally decided that they didn’t want to leave midterms for the last week before spring break, so that’s one thing off her plate. But she’s once again berating herself for leaving things to the last minute. 

“Okay,” she says to herself. Under normal circumstances, she would have felt silly talking to herself. But right now she is in an empty room surrounded by half finished paintings and by the end of the night, she needs to start and finish her painting. “Okay. I just need to paint Ellie again, but in a different way.” 

She runs her hand through her hair absentmindedly. She’s already done a realistic painting and one that is more reminiscent of something by Picasso, but she wants to do something that will really contrast the other two. In an act of desperation, she googles “art movements.” She scrolls through a couple centuries worth of movements until her gaze lands on abstract expressionism. 

“Oh.” She hadn’t thought to make an abstract painting. That seemed like a weird thing for something that’s supposed to be a portrait. But maybe it could work. Portraits can be subjective; oftentimes they are as much a reflection of the artist as they are a picture of the person in it. The cubist version of Ellie already is subjective, but maybe an abstract portrait could do an even better job of showing how Aster sees Ellie. 

So, Aster puts on lofi beats to study/sleep to and starts painting. In the end it only takes her fifteen minutes, a minuscule amount of time compared to how long she spent on the other two paintings. It definitely didn’t take as much technical skill either. It’s just a block of golden yellow on the bottom three quarters with a sky blue band at the top and little black specks like raindrops scattered throughout. Nevertheless, she thinks it might be her favorite. The beauty is in its simplicity. 

～～～

The expo is taking in place in the gymnasium that’s usually used for basketball. The bleachers have been pushed back to make room for all the different displays, and there is a makeshift stage at one end of the room for live performances. The gym is bursting with people. It feels like the whole school showed up. When Aster cranes her neck to see over the crowd, she can see Ellie tuning her guitar by the stage and Paul offering taco sausage samples to passerbys along with a curly haired girl she assumes must be Maya. 

Aster herself is standing a couple of feet away from where her triptych is hanging on the wall. She tries to imagine what people are thinking when they see it: on the left, a full body portrait made of blocky shapes in shades of grey; in the center, a headshot in front of an octagonal window; and on the right, an amalgamation of colors. 

She’s so lost in thought that she almost jumps when she hears Professor Fenderstein voice from behind her shoulder. “I’m glad you’ve kept painting outside of class, Aster. These are beautiful.”

Aster turns around to smile at her. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

“Can I ask what they mean?”

“It’s called ‘Three Variations on Ellie Chu.’ The first one is all harsh angles and geometric shapes because she can seem sharp from the outside.” Aster thinks of her first meeting with Ellie, when she had thought that Ellie didn’t like her or didn’t want to get to know her. 

“The second one is what she looks like once you get to know. That's why it’s the most realistic one; it’s the most objective representation of her.” Aster thinks of Ellie quoting classic literature, Ellie strumming the guitar, Ellie watching tv with her dad.

“The final one is abstract because it’s the most subjective. It’s about what she means to me.” Aster pauses for a second, unsure if this is too personal to share. But this is her art teacher. She should be able to explain it to her of all people, so she continues on. “The last one is the golden hills of San Pedro in the summer, where I’m from. It’s blue on top because I was always happiest on summer days when there wasn’t a cloud in sight. The black specks are supposed to be like raindrops. Ellie once told me that she loves unexpected showers because they feel like new beginnings. And I guess Ellie is my rainstorm. She came into my life out of nowhere, and she changed me. When I think of home I think of San Pedro, but now I think of her too because she makes me feel like every day is a cloudless summer day.” When Professor Fenderstein doesn’t respond, Aster starts to feel anxious. Was she just asking to be polite? Had Aster gone too much in depth?

But Professor Fenderstein just says “Wow. I’m speechless,” with such sincerity that Aster feels relieved immediately. “I love how much thought you put into each of the panels. The fact that each of them means so much to you really elevates the piece beyond its initial appearance.” She puts a hand on Aster’s shoulder. “Good job picking a muse. It’s a cliche at this point for artists to use their significant others as inspiration, but it’s for a good reason. The love, intimacy, and understanding you have for her really shines through. Great job, Aster.” She pats Aster’s shoulder one more time and walks off. 

Aster doesn’t respond. She’s too busy trying to figure out what Professor Fenderstein just said to her. Significant other? Why would she say that? The love, intimacy, and understanding part makes sense but that can be platonic too. 

She tries to think of her relationship with Ellie from an outside point of view. Ellie is the person she wakes up with and goes to sleep with. She's who Aster shares inside jokes with and complains about classes with and who she confides her fears and insecurities in. She is the person Aster wants to talk to the most when she’s feeling down, but also when she’s feeling so happy that she'll burst if she doesn't tell someone. But that’s because Ellie is her best friend. Aster’s never thought about her being more because she’s a girl. Aster’s dated boys before. And she liked them. That must mean she’s straight, right?

The sound of someone on a microphone announcing that Ellie Chu will be performing next pulls Aster out of her confusion. She looks at the stage and sees Ellie sitting down with her guitar. 

Ellie takes the microphone and locks eyes with Aster from across the room as she says “This song goes out to my best friend. It’s called With You.” 

Ellie starts picking at the guitar strings. Then she starts to sing. 

“Lazy saturdays,  
fries and milkshakes,  
philosophy class.

Through it all,  
you were sunshine  
and everything warm and good.  
I felt safe with you. 

With you,  
I can laugh.  
With you,  
I can cry.  
With you,  
I know everything’ll be alright.”

Aster can see Ellie’s mouth moving, so she knows Ellie must still be singing, but all Aster can hear is static. Her brain has stopped working. Logic has lost all its meaning. All she knows is that her heart is beating erratically and much too fast, and she just hears “with you” echoing in her mind. When Ellie sings “with you,” it’s a declaration of friendship. But the realization dawns on Aster that she wants the lyrics to mean more. She wants them to mean what her paintings meant.

Oh. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're finally getting somewhere!


	8. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster tries to figure out her sexual orientation and talks with her dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: coming out, wildfires

The rest of the expo passes in a daze for Aster. She accepts compliments from classmates and strangers alike on her art, meets Maya at Paul’s taco sausage booth, and tells Ellie that she loved her song. Most of the details are lost on her though. She’s too busy thinking about what she just realized and trying not to panic about what that means. Liking Ellie as more than a friend isn’t much of a stretch if she’s not straight, but she thought she was. 

As she lies in bed that night, she tries to think about her whole life to see if there was anything she ever missed. She had always been attracted to guys, but hadn’t she thought that girls were pretty too? She had thought that was admiration: a desire to look more like them. But maybe it was something more. 

She thinks about always keeping her gaze on the floor in her high school locker room. She remembers being weirdly obsessed with Ariana Grande in middle school, even though she didn’t even like her music that much. She thinks back to one of her friends kissing her at a sleepover freshman year, and how she ignored how nice it felt because her friend had said it was just “for practice.” As she thinks of countless more examples, it starts to feel like she’s been missing something that was blaringly obvious. 

～～～

After she spends all of Tuesday and Wednesday pondering her identity and seeing how it reframes her past experiences, she decides that she wants to tell someone. She thinks that will make it feel more real. Normally, Ellie would be the first person she would tell important news to, but she doesn’t think she can talk to Ellie about her sexuality without getting into her feelings for her, and Aster doesn’t feel ready for that yet. 

So she decides to call her dad. She remembers what he had told her before she left for the spring semester: that he was there for her, no matter what. That’s what gives her the strength to hit the dial button.

“Hi, sweetie, what’s up?” her dad says warmly.

“I was actually calling to talk to you about something kind of serious. Is this a good time?” she asks nervously.

“Of course,” he says with a tinge of concern. “Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, nothing’s wrong, it’s just…” Aster takes a deep breath. “Do you remember how you said that I was going to change in college? Well, I didn’t change, exactly, but I realized something.” She laughs nervously. “Sorry, this feels a lot harder to say than it should be. But, um, I met someone. And I like,” she clears her throat. “I like her a lot.”

There’s a moment of silence. “Okay,” he pauses for a second. “All parents want is for someone to love their child the way they do. I’m glad you found someone.”

“So you don’t care that my someone is a she?”

“No,” he breathes in raggedly, the first break in composure from the calm tone he had been using before. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like that wasn’t okay. Like you weren’t okay.”

“No dad, I never thought you thought that. But I wasn’t sure about...what you thought God would think about it.”

Her dad’s voice intensifies. “Listen to me carefully, Aster. God is love. More than anything else, He wants us to be loved. Whether by our families, our friends, or our significant others. That’s all that matters.”

“Okay,” Aster starts tearing up a bit. She’s not sure why she’s crying. Maybe it’s because even though she had been an ally for the LGBT community and thought that her dad and her church were too, it was different when it applied to her. But it’s still a relief to know that she really didn’t have to have that insidious fear somewhere deep in the recesses of her mind that her dad wouldn’t want a daughter like that or that God wouldn’t want a disciple like that.

For the first time since Ellie sang her that song, she feels calm. She still doesn’t know what’s going to happen with Ellie when she confesses her feelings. She doesn’t know how what she knows about herself now will affect her future. But she does know that her family will be there with her. She’ll always have a home to come back to. The serenity that gives her is untouchable.

～～～

Aster is eating lunch with Paul on Thursday. She’s almost relieved that Ellie has a bio lecture because it’s been strange hanging out with her and trying to act like everything’s the same. But she’s planning to tell Ellie how she feels before she leaves for home on Friday. Aster really, desperately hopes that Ellie feels the same, but she can’t shake the feeling that Ellie has always seen her as just a friend. In any case, they’ll have a week apart in case things are a bit awkward afterwards.

“Earth to Aster,” Paul says. He waves his arms in front of her face.

Aster shakes her head bemusedly. “Sorry. What were you saying?”

“I was asking what your plans are for spring break.” 

“I’m just flying back home. I’ll probably help my mom with her gardening or something. What about you?”

“My family’s actually taking a road trip to San Francisco. It’s been a while since my mom’s been out of town, so it should be a lot of fun,” he explains.

“That sounds cool,” she replies. She feels her phone buzzing in her pocket. She pulls it out and sees that it’s her mom calling. “Sorry, I have to take this. My mom doesn’t usually call me in the middle of the day. It might be important.”

Aster feels a creeping sense of unease as she steps away from the table and walks into the hallway outside the cafeteria to have some more privacy. She tries to tell herself that it’s probably nothing, but there’s still a slight tremor in her hands as she accepts the call.

“Hello?” she says uncertainly.

“Hi, Aster,” her mom answers. “Your father and I are okay, but the fire department just put out an evacuation order for all of Los Angeles County. There’s a wildfire moving our way. It’s burned about ten acres so far and it’s only 5% contained.” Aster grips the phone more tightly. It had been seven years since a fire had gotten close enough to San Pedro to require an evacuation. It was all too easy to imagine the dry hill her house was on going up in flames like a tinderbox. “We’re packing and we already reserved a night at a hotel in San Diego, so we’re going to be okay. But we need to cancel your flight. I’m sorry to spring this on you sweetie, but is there a way you could stay in the dorms an extra couple of days to see if they manage to put the fire out?”

Aster shakes her head. “The dorms are going to be closed for cleaning.”

Her mom sighs. “Maybe we could reschedule the flight for San Diego? I’m just not sure how long we’ll be there for.”

Aster tries to think. It would be easier to just stay in Portland and only head out when the danger had passed. Her parents had enough to worry about without trying to figure out her travel plans too. Paul obviously isn't an option since he will be out of town. That just leaves Ellie. Aster is sure that Ellie will let her stay with her. It'll ruin her plans about confessing her feelings, but that hardly mattered in the face of a natural disaster. She will just have to wait until after break to tell her.

“Actually, Mom, I’m pretty sure that I can stay with Ellie. You met her in September, remember? She lives here in Portland so I wouldn’t have to go anywhere until we know more about what’s going on.”

Aster’s mom sighs in relief. Aster can almost see her shoulders relaxing and her eyebrows unfurrowing from the pinched expression she always has when she’s stressed. “That would be great. I’ll keep you updated if anything changes, okay?”

“Okay.” Aster can only send out a silent prayer that the fire passes their home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i stole the weird middle school obsession with ariana grande from my ~totally straight~ thirteen year old self


	9. A Steady Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster goes to Ellie's house and meets Mr. Chu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of wildfires

When Aster asks Ellie if she can stay with her, at least for a couple of days, Ellie doesn’t hesitate to say that she's welcome as long as she needs to stay. So after they finish their last classes on Friday, they grab their suitcases and hop on the bus. Aster’s struck by the fact that she’s never actually been on the Portland Transportation System. She mostly stays on campus and had taken an uber to the airport. 

It’s crowded, but that makes sense considering it’s rush hour. Fortune must have decided that Aster at least deserves a little break because there are two empty seats when they get on. They sit, knees knocking together. Ellie passes her an earbud and the next half hour passes in a mix of the soothing voice of Frank Ocean and the clatter of people getting on and off at stops. 

Finally, they get off on a stop close to the end of the line. As they walk, their surroundings gradually turn from 7/11s and Albertsons into homogeneous houses with cars parallel parked in the streets.

Aster follows Ellie as she rolls her suitcase up the driveway to a pale yellow one story house with white trim. Ellie unlocks the door, and takes her shoes off as she walks in. “Hey Dad, I’m home!” she calls out. Aster slips off her vans as she follows Ellie inside. Oil sizzles over the sound of a television news report. 

In the kitchen, there’s a man with the same horn rimmed glasses as Ellie. He turns around and directs a small, warm smile at Ellie. “We’re having pork dumplings tonight.” Aster is reminded of the time Ellie told her that dumplings were her comfort food.

“Thanks,” Ellie says. “This is my friend and roommate Aster.” 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Chu,” Aster says. Then Ellie is showing her to the guest room. Aster takes a couple more minutes setting up her things than she needs to, but she can hear Ellie and her dad conversing in Mandarin in the kitchen, and she wants to give them a chance to catch up. 

They eat on the brown corduroy couch in front of the tv. Ellie complains that it’s over the top and creepy that the main character of the rom com they’re watching waits outside of an apartment building all day to find the woman he met at the bar the night before. Her dad shushes her when the woman comes out. “It’s the best part,” he whispers.

Ellie scoffs, but as Aster watches her, she can see that Ellie is watching the screen just as intently as her father is. Observing the similarities between Ellie and her dad feels like a rare opportunity to see where Ellie gets parts of her personality from. Aster thinks that Ellie’s sarcasm is something wholly her own, but she can see how the way Ellie sometimes jokes or keeps her true thoughts private comes from her dad’s reservedness. There’s almost another language between Ellie and her father: they might not have exchanged long hugs and I loves you when they first saw each other, but Mr. Chu made Ellie her favorite food to welcome her home and when he starts to doze off at the end of the movie, Ellie gently shakes him awake and tells him to go to bed. It makes Aster miss her parents.

After Mr. Chu goes to bed, Ellie and Aster stay on the worn couch at the minutes tick by. Ellie yawns and leans her head on Aster’s shoulder. Aster moves her arm to the back of the couch to make it more comfortable for Ellie. She freezes when Ellie leans into her further. She is hyper aware of the light puffs of Ellie’s breathing on her neck. So she can feel when Ellie’s breath evens out a minute later. Ellie had a biology midterm this morning; that’s probably why she's being uncharacteristically tactile. 

A week ago, Aster wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but now all she can think about is how soft Ellie feels curled up next to her. She had been so shocked by the realization that her feelings for Ellie were more romantic than platonic, that she hadn’t even stopped to consider the sexual side of that. In fact, she had never recognized her attraction for another girl before for what it really was. But now she’s thinking about how close Ellie’s mouth is to her neck and suddenly it feels weird that she’s letting Ellie lay on her when Ellie doesn’t know that it means something different for her. 

So she shakes Ellie gently and whispers “Hey, wake up.”

“Mmph.” Ellie looks up blearily at her. “Sorry I fell asleep on you.” 

Aster smiles at her. “It’s okay. But you should get to bed.”

Ellie yawns and disentangles herself from Aster. “You too, roomie,” she says. “Isn’t it weird that we’re still sleeping in the same place but not in the same room?” 

“Yeah, but it’ll be nice not to hear you snore.” 

“Hey, I don’t snore, I…” Ellie trails off. She’s obviously too tired to come up with a good comeback. “Whatever. Good night Aster.” 

“Good night Ellie.” 

～～～

When Aster wakes up the next morning, her first thought is confusion. She’s in a four poster bed with red and purple checkered covers as opposed to the bunk bed with plain blue sheets. Then she remembers where she is and why she’s there. She pulls out her phone to see if there’s any news. She has one text notification from her dad saying that the fire is 15% contained and the evacuation order is still ongoing.

She rolls out of bed and walks through the hallway towards the bathroom. She stops to look at a picture hanging of a young woman holding a baby who must be Ellie. Aster’s stepping closer to take a look at it when Ellie walks out of the bathroom.

“Shower’s open.”

“Thanks.” Aster turns away from the picture and does a double take. She had been in the same room countless times when Ellie changed, but seeing beads of water from Ellie’s hair running down her collarbones and disappearing under the white towel she’s wrapped in ties Aster’s stomach in knots. She quickly redirects her gaze to Ellie’s face. 

Ellie narrows her eyes. “Do I have something on my face?”

“What? No, it’s, uh…” Aster bemoans her sudden inability to form words. She manages to say “bathroom” and then pushes past Ellie into the room and shuts and locks the door behind her. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and sighs. She hasn’t felt this flustered since her neighbor Miguel used to do yard work shirtless. But she has to get it together unless she wants Ellie to figure out what’s going on before Aster can tell her.

So Aster steps behind the shower curtain and as she runs the water, she decidedly does not think about how Ellie had been where she was just five minutes ago but minus the towel.

After she gets dressed, Aster heads out to the kitchen, where Ellie is opening up the pantry.

“Do you want cereal for breakfast?” she asks over her shoulder.

“Sure. Should we wait for your dad?”

“No, he had to go into work early today.” Ellie passes her a bowl and spoon.

After they’ve been eating in an amicable silence for a minute or two, Aster clears her throat. “The fire’s only 15% contained, but it hasn’t reached any populated areas yet.”

“Is that a good sign?”

“For now. But the danger won’t have passed until firefighters have it 100% contained.”

Ellie looks up at her curiously. “Does this happen often?” she asks.

“There are fires every year, but there hasn’t been one so close to home since I was eleven. I don’t think I fully understood what was happening at the time. I just remember my dad packing our photo albums and my mom taking her jewelry from where it was hidden in her sock drawer. They told me to pack anything irreplaceable.” She shakes her head. “I guess I don’t even get the chance to do that this time.”

Ellie reaches her hand out and moves it uncertainly towards Aster. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to have to pack up your life in a couple of boxes and not know if there will be anything to come back to.” Aster can feel the ghost of Ellie’s touch on her shoulder, a light pressure grounding her. “But I’ll help you any way I can.”

“Thank you. But you’re already letting me stay here. That’s more than enough.”  
.  
“That’s not a big deal. I'm serious. Anything you need, let me know.”

“Okay, thanks.” Ellie removes her hand from Aster’s shoulder, but even through the fabric of her blouse, Aster can still feel where her fingers had been resting like a brand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh they listen to frank ocean on the bus because i have been listening to his music on repeat while i write this story


	10. Extinguished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster waits anxiously for news of the fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: wildfires

Aster refreshes the Cal Fire website for the fifth time, but there are no new updates. It still says the fire is 50% contained. She slumps over the side of the couch and sighs.

Ellie shuts her copy of Ocean Vuong’s Night Sky with Exit Wounds and uses it to bop Aster on the head.

“What?” Aster groans.

“Look,” Ellie placates. “I understand that this is a stressful time for you and it's your prerogative to lay on my couch and mope for the whole week if you want. But it’s been three days. Obsessing over what’s happening isn’t going to change anything. You might feel better if you did something.”

Aster sits up guiltily. She had almost forgotten that it was still spring break. She hadn’t meant to drag Ellie into her spiraling vortex of worry. Plus, Ellie makes a good point. Her worrying isn't doing anything productive.

“You’re right,” she admits. “I think it’d help to distract myself. Do you have any ideas?”

Ellie looks thrown, like she hadn’t expected Aster to agree so quickly. “Well, you’ve never been to the Portland Art Museum, right?”

Aster shakes her head.

“Let’s go then.” Ellie grabs her keys and Aster follows her out of the house to the bus station.

When Aster gets off the bus, she sees a large abstract and brightly colored sculpture by the entrance of a modest two story brick building. It’s nowhere near as majestic as the Getty, but she is excited nonetheless. It’s been too long since she’s seen new art in person.

She increases her pace and holds open the glass door for Ellie as she enters the museum. After they pay for admission, Aster whirls around, looking at all the signs for the different exhibits. It's like finding an oasis in the middle of a sandstorm. “Where should we go first?” she asks through her first genuine smile all week.

Ellie’s mouth quirks up at the corners in amusement. “You’re the artist. Lead the way.”

So Aster sets off for an exhibit called Objects of Contact. It’s a fascinating collection of Japanese art that deals with their first encounters with the West. Then she breezes through a room of Northwest Portraiture; except for one self portrait by Manuel Izquierdo that she discreetly snaps a picture of, she isn’t interested in that style of art. But she does end up spending half an hour in a display of Victor Jorgensen’s photographs of the Navy in World War II. She usually is more interested in paintings, but something about these photos takes her breath away. She’s gone to the beach a lot, but she’s never seen the sea rage with such ferocity as in Jorgenson’s pictures.

Finally, she stops in a red room full of art on loan from other museums. On the plaque for the last painting in the room, there is no description for the piece. It simply reads “Wildfire,” by Tom Shropshire. She stands frozen, staring at the hazy smoke coming from trees falling under the weight of flames. Everything she had been successfully ignoring for the past two hours comes rushing back. She feels a strange urge to laugh; of course a fire doesn’t need an explanation. It just burns and burns and burns.

She stays in front of the painting for a long time, wishing that there was some explanation for the things beyond her control.

～～～

The next night, Aster is trying to do some reading for history, but she keeps glancing at her phone to see if there’s any news. The fire was finally put out this morning and the evacuation order was lifted. Now Aster is just waiting for her parents to make the drive back home. Aster hears the buzz of an incoming call and grabs her phone from the nightstand, almost knocking over a glass of water in the process. 

“Hello?”

“Hi, Aster,” her mom says. “We’re home.”

“And it’s still...there?” Aster asks anxiously.

“Yes. The fire didn’t reach this far.” Aster sighs in relief. It feels like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. “But some properties on the outskirts of the city were partially burned. There’s going to be a lot of rebuilding.” Aster immediately feels a surge of guilt. Even though her family had escaped unscathed, there were many others who had lost so much in the fire.

“Why does this happen, Mom? How is it fair that we're okay when other people aren't?"

“I don’t have a good answer for you. Life isn’t always fair. But since we were lucky this time, we should use our good fortune to help our neighbors in need. We can’t undo what’s been done, but we can help them rebuild and get back on their feet.”

“You’re right.” Aster makes a silent promise to herself that she’s going to help somehow when she comes back for the summer. She won’t take her home for granted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the parts about the Portland Art Museum are fictionalized; I don't think that the Wildfire painting was ever exhibited there.
> 
> Also, the wildfire is this story is fictional, but with wildfire season starting in California in real life, I just want to say that I don't write about this topic lightly. I hope that I have accurately portrayed what wildfires feel like and that everyone currently affected by the real fires stay safe.


	11. The Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster confesses her feelings to Ellie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: swearing

Saturday night before Aster has to go back to school, she’s scrolling through her recent messages. It's mostly a deluge of Paul’s pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge and the original Ghirardelli Shop, plus a group chat with her parents. She still wishes that she could have seen her parents in person, but at least Skype is a thing. She's still just relieved that she'll have a home to come back to when she finally sees her parents again in the summer. 

She exes out of all the apps open on her phone and checks the time: five to midnight. She knows that she should try to sleep, but she feels weirdly keyed up. So, she pulls back the sheets and slips out of bed.

In the cover of darkness, she relies on memory instead of sight to get to the living room. She sits down on the couch.

“Ow,” the couch says.

Aster bolts up. “Ellie?”

“That’s me.”

“What the hell? Why are you out here with all the lights out?”

“I couldn’t sleep. You?”

“Same here.”

The couch rustles as Ellie sits up. She turns on her phone flashlight and shines it right in Aster’s eyes. 

“Hey, turn that out.”

Ellie quickly points her phone down. “Sorry, I was just trying to let you sit on the couch and not, you know, me.”

“Right. Sorry about that.” Aster sits down gingerly. 

Ellie shuts off her flashlight and they are plunged into darkness once more. 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Aster asks.

“Honestly? I usually fall asleep from exhaustion, so without school it’s been taking me longer to sleep. What about you?”

Aster hesitates. The darkness lends a sense of weight, but also impermanence to her words. She’s suddenly seized by the feeling that she should confess to Ellie now. It seems easier now, in the quiet of night, than it would in the light of day. 

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve been meaning to tell you something but I wasn’t sure how.” 

Aster breathes in deeply. “Okay, so here it is. I like you a lot. I mean, obviously—you’re my best friend. But I realized at some point that I liked you in a different way too. Like, in a romantic way.”

The dead silence that follows her declaration is only amplified by the fact that she can’t see the microexpressions of Ellie’s face that might give some clue to what’s going through her mind.

“Could you say something?” Aster blurts out. “I understand if you want to be just friends, but I’m kind of freaking out right now.”

Ellie draws in a sharp intake of breath. “If anyone should be freaking out right now, I think it should be me. I’m really confused by what you just said. Because that sounded like you have feelings for me, but I was under the impression that you were straight.”

Aster feels like face palming for not explaining that earlier. “I think I’m bisexual. I guess I should have led with that.”

“Do you think or do you know? Because it’s fine if you’re figuring yourself out, but I can’t be your experiment.”

“Ellie,” Aster says in an exhale. “I would never risk our friendship if I wasn’t sure. I know. I only figured it out recently, but you’re kind of the reason why I did.” 

“Oh.” The couch springs creak as Ellie shifts. “There were moments when I felt like there was something more between us, but I told myself I was being crazy. I tried not to even think about liking you because I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. But I still wished it could be something more sometimes.” Aster feels Ellie’s fingers trailing down her arm until Ellie finds Aster’s hand and interlocks her fingers with Aster’s. “No amount of reasoning could stop me from falling for you, anyway.”

If the lights were on, Aster is sure she would be embarrassed by how wide she’s grinning. She squeezes Ellie’s hand. “So. Will you go out with me?”

Ellie elbows Aster in the side, but doesn’t let go of her hand. “Duh.”

They sit with their fingers interwoven together for a long time before they go back to their separate rooms to sleep. But even though they don’t say anything more, for once Aster’s mind isn’t going a hundred miles an hour to fill the silence. Instead, she just feels at peace.

～～～

The next morning, there is a palpable change in the air between Aster and Ellie. Aster keeps watching Ellie now that she knows she’s allowed to look, and then averting her gaze sheepishly when Ellie makes eye contact. When Ellie brushes past her in the hallway, Aster feels a spark of electricity where their arms touched. 

Nevertheless, there’s a silent agreement that their first date or kiss is going to have to wait until they get back to Portland University; they don’t want Ellie’s dad to walk in on them.

But maybe Aster wasn’t being as subtle with her longing glances as she thought she was because once Ellie has left to pick up eggs from the grocery store, Mr. Chu pulls Aster aside into the kitchen. 

He stares at her for a minute before saying abruptly, “I wish that I could always protect Ellie, but she’s growing up. I can’t protect her heart when she gives it to someone.” He purses his lips. “I don’t know the words in English for what you two are. But Ellie deserves someone who cares for her. Be gentle with her heart.”

Aster stares at him and tries to convey her honesty with her face. “I will. I would never willingly hurt Ellie.”

Mr. Chu nods. “Good.” He turns around and pulls out a knife and a cutting board. “Can you dice an onion?”

“Yes.” Aster takes the knife from him. For the next twenty minutes or so, they stand side by side, chopping vegetables silently. Mr. Chu turns on the radio and any awkwardness that would have resulted from two near strangers sharing space is swept away by the harmony and syncopation of jazz. And even though Aster and Mr. Chu don’t know much about each other, Aster still feels connected to him somehow, their love for Ellie like a web stretching out between them.


	12. An Illustrious Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster and Ellie go on their first date. Someone expresses interest in Aster's art.

The first five days back at school are a never ending avalanche of new projects, essays, and material. It’s like the professors spent all of spring break planning the best way to overwhelm their students and make it harder for them to ease back into the rhythm of lectures, studying, and assessments. Aster is especially struggling with Professor Rivera’s latest lesson on objectivism. But she holds on because Ellie had agreed to go on her first date with her on Friday.

In retrospect, a lot of the things they did together before had been like dates—breakfasts at Rosie’s dinner, late night snack runs, the art museum—even if they technically weren’t. At least, that’s what Aster is telling herself as she pulls every single clothing item she owns out of her dresser in the hopes of finding the perfect outfit.

Ellie has seen Aster when she wears sweatpants and no makeup. Consequently, there’s no logical reason for Aster to need to make a good first impression. But clothing choice is the only way she can channel her nervous energy and attempt to quiet that voice in the back of her head that’s saying that this is going to go terribly and Ellie won’t even want to be friends with her afterwards. 

But after watching the clock hands drag by agonizingly slowly, it’s finally almost six, so Aster heads off to where Ellie’s biology lecture should be ending shortly. When students start flooding out of the classroom, Aster spots Ellie instantly. She’s blown away. Ellie isn’t wearing anything too different from her normal clothing, but instead of her usual messy ponytail, her hair is down in gentle waves. Aster’s so enthralled that she almost doesn’t respond when Ellie tells her she’s ready to go.

But she snaps out of it and they head out to Rosie’s Dinner. They walk closely together, arms brushing until Aster reaches over and takes Ellie’s hand in her own. It’s all she can think about until they slide into a booth for two.

After they order, Aster is once again seized by nerves. 

“Is this weird?” she blurts out. She immediately regrets opening her mouth.

“What is?”

“I don’t know. I’m just nervous. Are we supposed to talk about different stuff now?”

Ellie smiles at her. “I don’t think it has to be weird if we don’t want it to be. We can talk about the same stuff as when we were friends—because we still are friends. It’s just that now I can say that you look really pretty tonight.”

Aster looks away shyly and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “You do too.” 

Now that she doesn’t feel the weight of first date expectations hanging over her, it’s easy to start up a conversation. “Do you think Professor Rivera was being weirder when she lectured about objectivism than normal?”

“I know, right? It’s like the theory itself ran over her cat or something?”

“Do you think she has a cat?”

“Totally. She is definitely a crazy cat lady, which I say respectfully, as a fellow cat person.”

Aster looks at Ellie in surprise. “You like cats better, seriously?”

“Of course. Cats lay on you when you’re sad and you don’t have to take them on walks.”

“But dogs are loyal.”

“So are cats! They just don’t show it the same way.”

So Aster slips back into the easy push and pull of conversation with Ellie. Before she knows it, the waitress is bringing over the check. Normally they pay for their own meals, but Aster takes the check this time. 

“You don’t have to pay for me.”

“It’s a date. You can pay next time. Then we’ll be even.”

“So you think there’s going to be a next time?”

Aster raises an eyebrow and purses her lips.

“I’m just messing with you. I’ll plan it next time and everything.”

And then they’re outside. And there’s a moment, when Ellie is looking up at her and smiling, where Aster wants to kiss her more than anything. But then a group of students walks past them, laughing noisily and the moment has passed. 

So they stroll back to the dorm, meandering through brick buildings and street lights plastered over with flyers. 

When they get up to their dorm and Ellie locks the door behind them, she says, “Is it okay if I kiss you?”

Aster almost wants to laugh because it’s so like them: Aster trying to wait for the perfect moment, something that could be a beautiful painting and Ellie just going for it, knowing that she can make anything into poetry. 

She says “Yeah, I would like that.”

Then she’s closing the distance between them and leaning down. Ellie reaches up and meets her in the middle. For a second, their teeth bump together because they both are smiling, but then they figure it out and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. 

～～～

Aster is studying at the library a few weeks later when she gets an email notification. Upon seeing that it’s from Professor Fenderstein, she opens it curiously. Last semester’s grades are finalized, so she’s not sure why Fenderstein’s contacting her. 

She starts reading. It says that someone who was at the gallery is offering to buy her triptych of Ellie. Fenderstein says she can probably sell it for $500 if Aster is interested. 

Aster forgets to breathe for a moment. She had always considered art to be more of a hobby. It’s mind blowing to think that she could make money off of it.

She shuts her laptop and hurries to her dorm. The rest of the words of the email are milling around in her mind: “amazing opportunity,” “good exposure,” and “have you considered pursuing art as a career?” 

The door slams shut behind her as she strides into the room.

“Someone wants to buy my art!” she exclaims.

Ellie turns around from where she was putting away laundry. “That’s great! Wait, which art?”

“They want the portraits I did of you. Is it okay if I sell them?”

Ellie looks at her bemusedly. “Of course. Why are you asking me?”

“Well, it is of you. I figured I should ask before letting someone hang a portrait of you in their house.”

“Oh, right. I’m still okay with that. It’s not like they’re going to know that it’s of me.”

“Okay, great. That’s great.” Aster sits down on Ellie’s bed and puts her head between her knees. “This is great. Everything’s great.”

Ellie sits next to her and rubs her back soothingly. “Hey, what’s wrong? Isn’t this a good thing?”

Aster shakes her head. “It is. But I’m also kind of freaking out. Professor Fenderstein made it out like this was the start of my illustrious art career, but what if this is just a one off? I don’t want to be a failure.”

“Okay, first of all, you will never be a failure, babe. Even if people didn’t want to buy more of your paintings, that wouldn’t be a failure for you because you would find something else you could be successful at. But I don’t think that would happen; I think you could have an illustrious art career if you wanted to.”

Aster finds Ellie’s hand and gives it a squeeze. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

“You’re welcome. And you know that selling this one piece doesn’t mean you’re committing to being a starving artist, right? It won’t stop you from being a communications major.”

Aster sits up. “You’re right. It doesn’t have to mean anything I don’t want it to mean. I think I’ll tell her that I will sell it.” Ellie wraps her arm around Aster, and Aster leans into her. “I will be sad to see it go, though. That’s what made me realize that I liked you.”

Ellie turns to look at her in mock indignation. “From a painting, seriously? That is such a you thing to do.” 

Aster smirks. “So “With You” wasn’t a love song?”

“Shut up, you don’t know anything about music anyway.”

“Wait. That wasn’t a no.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “It was implied, Aster.” 

But when Aster leans in to kiss her, Ellie opens her mouth to deepen the kiss, so Aster thinks she’s probably not actually mad. And then Ellie is doing that thing with her tongue and Aster isn’t thinking about anything at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not to be controversial, but cats > dogs


	13. A Step in a New Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster talks with her mom about selling her portrait. Aster and Ellie have sex for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter has a sex scene, but it's nonexplicit.  
> If you'd like to skip it, stop reading after ～～～

Aster has a ten minute break between her communications and history lectures, so she calls her mom as she walks to the next classroom.

“Hi Mom, how are you?”

“I’m doing well. I was just working on the fundraiser we’re doing at church. Your father is adding a second collection this Sunday to raise money for those who were affected by the fire.”

“That’s great. Is there anything that I can do to help?”

“You can pray for them. But there’s nothing you can do from all the way over there. Just concentrate on school.” Aster feels a twinge of guilt. She wants to do something more substantial, something useful. But she’s pulled out of that train of thought by her mom asking “How are things with you?”

“I’m doing good.” Aster racks her brain for anything exciting to tell her. “Actually, something really cool happened. Remember how I said I submitted a painting for that expo last month? Well, someone is buying it for 500 dollars.”

“Congratulations! I’m so proud of you.” Her mom laughs a little. “Your father and I always did think you would be an artist. But I suppose you have to let your children pick their own paths.”

Aster frowns. “What do you mean? You always told me to work hard and not waste my time in college. Art would definitely be wasting time; almost no one can make a living off of it.”

Aster’s mom sighs. “We meant that you should work hard to achieve your dreams, not just so that you can get by. There’s more to life than survival.”

“Dreams don’t always work out. I don’t want to end up scraping pennies together just to make rent.”

“Aster, I know that money was tight when you were young, but that didn’t make our lives unsuccessful. Your father has never made a lot of money, but he does make a difference in people’s lives. It’s hard sometimes, but not doing what you love is a sacrifice too.”

Aster sighs. “Sorry, I know that. I just worry.”

“I’m sorry that you’ve had to worry. Sometimes I think it made you grow up too fast." She exhales. "Look, I’m glad that you understand the importance of earning a living, but I don’t want that to keep you from following your dreams, okay?”

“I understand. I have to go to class now, but I’ll call you later.” But Aster doesn’t understand. Or maybe she has just misunderstood for such a long time that it’s hard to comprehend what her mother just told her. Aster had never resented her parents for not having more when she was growing up. They had taught her that it was important to follow Jesus’ example and put others’ needs above their own. But at the same time, Aster had watched her parents arguing late at night over bills too many times to totally buy into that. At some point, she decided that she was going to do whatever it took to make sure that she wasn’t one car break down from missing a credit card payment. 

But now it seems like she focused so much on what they didn’t have that she forgot how much her parents loved helping people and building a community through their church. To them, sacrificing financial security was worth it. Nevertheless, Aster’s still not convinced it’s worth it for her.

～～～

After watching a showing of Pride and Prejudice put on by the Film Club, Ellie had practically dragged Aster back to their dorm and then started kissing her the minute the door closed behind them. Aster had laughed and asked if Ellie was that into period pieces. But she had stopped laughing when Ellie had pressed her lips against Aster’s mouth so hard that it felt like it was bruising.

Now Aster is holding onto Ellie’s hip with one hand and taking off Ellie’s glasses with the other. She kisses Ellie again, but then Ellie is moving her mouth down to Aster’s neck. Aster bites her lip. This is new territory. They’ve made out a lot, even on Ellie’s bed sometimes. But they haven’t gone further yet; right now that seems like a terrible miscalculation on Aster’s part.

“That was our third date, so according to your rules…” Aster trails off.

Ellie pulls away and looks up at Aster with concern. “I was just joking when I said that about Paul and Maya. We don’t have to follow dumb arbitrary dating rules.”

Aster smiles a little. “I know that. I was trying to be a bit more subtle than just asking if you wanted to have sex with me.” She quickly adds on “Only if you want to, though.”

“I do. Definitely. But are you totally sure you want to? I know you haven’t really done this before.”

“I haven’t. But I want to do it with you.”

Ellie flushes. “Okay. But tell me if you want me to stop anytime, alright?”

Aster nods. “You can tell me too.”

“Sure.” And then Ellie is grabbing Aster’s collar and pulling her down to kiss her and Aster thinks that she should wear collared shirts more often. 

Then Aster unbuttons her shirt and Ellie pulls off her own in one swift motion. 

Aster leans down and presses her mouth to Ellie’s again. As she kisses Ellie she pushes her forward with her hips until the back of Ellie’s knees hits the bottom bunk bed and she sits down with a thump. Ellie pulls Aster down with her. They lay down, their entire bodies pressed together, and Aster can’t tell where she ends and Ellie begins. 

After their kisses turn from frantic to more languorous, Ellie straddles her so that her knees are on either side of Aster’s legs. She unclasps Aster’s bra and then the rest of their clothes end up thrown onto the floor. Ellie kisses her one more time on the lips and then slowly starts moving down Aster’s body.

After, Ellie is half laying on top of Aster. The bed is much too narrow for the two of them to really fit together, but Aster doesn’t want to leave. Instead, she strokes Ellie’s hair drowsily until Ellie’s breathing evens out. Aster falls asleep with the scent of oranges and the knowledge that she’ll wake up with Ellie curled in her arms.


	14. A Major Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster learns about Paul's career plans and makes some changes to her own plans.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but Aster thinks it goes just as fast when you’re drowning in work. It’s gotten to the point where taking a break—whether it’s to draw a quick sketch or just lie next to Ellie for a while—feels like procrastinating on all the things she has to do. But there’s only one month left of school, including finals week, so she knows she just has to hold on a while longer. 

It’s on one of these ubiquitous days of nonstop studying that Paul stops eating lunch to tell her “I’m thinking of declaring as a business major.”

Aster looks at him in surprise. “Really? I thought you were going to wait until the end of sophomore year to decide.”

“I was, but I had my end of the year meeting with my advisor yesterday.” Aster nods. She’s scheduled to meet with her advisor tomorrow. “She was asking about my interests and I told her about how I help out at my family’s restaurant on the weekends and how I like to make new recipes. Then she mentioned how food trucks that sell fusion food are really big in Portland. So, then I said that it would be cool to take the family business in a new direction.” He looks at Aster with wide eyes as if seeking approval.

Aster grins at him. “That sounds awesome, Paul. A taco sausage food truck could totally be the next big thing.”

Paul returns her smile. “Thanks. That’s what I was thinking. And then my advisor said that it would help if I learned about launching a new business, so it just made sense.”

Aster nods thoughtfully. She’s excited for Paul. She can imagine him leaning out of a colorful truck to take people’s orders and then turning around to fry up the food in minutes. 

It also makes her think about what her future has in store. For the longest time, she had held on to the idea of a communications major because she thought that it would lead to job security. However, she could never really visualize what exactly she would be doing with that degree. 

On the other hand, she already painted and had sold art, even if it was just one piece. And it’s something she actively enjoys doing; she doesn’t just like the idea of it. 

It’s the same with Paul’s recipes; he loves creating new food and sharing it with people. A business major is something that he will put to use with his food truck.

English might not be the major with the biggest job field, but it’s right for Ellie because she loves to be carried away by other’s words and wants to tell her own stories too.

Even Aster’s dad is the same. He wants to help people and he uses his faith so that he can connect with them and support them.

Maybe painting is to Aster what food, prose, and church are to Paul, Ellie, and her dad. It’s not something that anyone can be successful at, but it’s something that she wants to be successful in. And that wanting is what makes it worthwhile.

So when Aster gets to her advisor’s office, she asks about double majors and minors and what credits would carry over if she switches majors before next year. It’s terrifying, the idea that she’s closing the door to a life that she used to be so sure that she wanted. But she tries to imagine it as painting bold strokes and hoping that the changes improve the art instead of standing in front of a blank canvas, paralyzed to ruin it and consequently never making anything at all.

～～～

Aster is doodling Ellie’s different facial expressions as she watches Ellie pace their cramped dorm and mutter to herself. Ellie is reenacting her final from her poetry seminar. She had to recite a poem she had written that was inspired by one of the poets they had studied throughout the semester. Ellie repeats the verses to herself, trying to decide if she had emphasized the right words, conveyed the correct emotions. 

Aster looks fondly at Ellie, her girlfriend who is full of so many brilliant thoughts and ideas, yet still always takes care to use the exact words she means.

Her heart feels so full that the words “I love you” seem to just flow out of her.

Ellie stops pacing and looks at her in surprise. But then her lips curve in that private smile that she usually only gives Aster when they’re alone. She simply replies “I know.”

Aster laughs. “Is that a Star Wars reference? And to think that sometimes I forget how much of a nerd you are.” But all joking aside, she’s glad that Ellie knows. After all, she knows that Ellie loves her. 

She might not have said it out loud yet, but she says it in other ways: she leaves sticky notes with quotes on them that reminded her of Aster on Aster's desk; she waits patiently when Aster loses track of time painting; she confides in Aster about missing her mom. It’s the small moments and little gestures that reveal that she cares about Aster and is also willing to show Aster all the parts of her that she keeps locked away.

～～～

Aster is on her way to the library to study for finals when she spots a familiar figure with paint splattered clothes. “Good morning, Professor Fenderstein,” she calls out.

Fenderstein turns around. “Oh, hello Aster.” She walks closer to Aster. “Was it exciting to put your first paycheck for your art in the bank?”

“I actually donated it. There was a wildfire a couple of months ago back home and people are still rebuilding. Since I couldn’t be there in person I thought this would help.” Aster had wanted to do something more substantial to help everyone back in San Pedro and when she had gotten the payment transfer for her art, it had seemed like a great idea.

Fenderstein nods seriously. “That’s very thoughtful of you. And I’m sure you’ll have more chances to save the money you make from paintings. I heard you’re coming to my department for good.” She winks.

Aster smiles. “Yeah, I changed my communications major to a minor so that I could major in art.” Continuing to study communication as a minor had felt like a safety net in case painting didn’t work out for her financially. That was still a big fear for her, but after seeing her friends and family chase their dreams, she felt like she owed it to herself to do the same.

Fenderstein starts to walk away. “Well, I have to go to a faculty meeting, but I’m glad to be the first to welcome you to the art department.”

“Thanks, Professor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe there's just the epilogue left!


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aster finishes her first year of college.

Aster is clearing out her dresser when she casually says “I have to drop off my housing application for next year before the office closes for the year. I just have to fill out the part where you can request a roommate. Is it fine if I put your name down?”

Ellie stiffens. “Actually, I’m not living in the dorms next year. I’m going to stay with my dad. I only lived here this year because all freshmen are required to live on campus.”

Aster shakes her head in confusion. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier? Did you not want to room with me again?” She feels the beginning of panic stirring in her stomach. “Do you think we’re not going to work out?”

Ellie sighs. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” When Aster visibly recoils in hurt at that statement, Ellie holds up her hands in a gesture of surrender. “I still should have said something, though. I’m sorry I didn’t. But I think my dad is lonely...and I miss him too.”

Aster feels a twinge of guilt; she had missed her family but she hadn’t considered that it was the same for Ellie. Even though Ellie lived in the same city as her father, she barely got to see him between her classes and his work. It made sense that she wanted to be closer to him. Aster didn’t want to stand in the way of that, but she still felt a creeping sense of unease and insecurity. “I understand. But does that change things for us?”

Ellie crosses the room and gently rests her hand on the side of Aster’s face. She looks right into Aster’s eyes and Aster feels paralyzed in the intimacy of the gesture. “I still want to be your girlfriend. I’ll miss being able to see you every minute of the day, but we’ll make time to see each other. We don’t have to be roommates for that.”

Aster exhales slowly. “Okay.” She knows rationally that Ellie cares about her, but it’s still comforting to be told point blank that they are going to be okay. She kisses Ellie briefly and then pulls back to crack a joke and dissipate the last of the tension between them. “At least I won’t have you distracting me when I’m trying to study.”

“What?” Ellie squawks. “I never did anything to distract you. It’s not my fault you procrastinate so much.”

“Well sometimes I look at you and get the sudden urge to paint. It’s not your fault, I just get inspired by beauty.”

“Shut up,” Ellie elbows her and turns back to her suitcase, but not fast enough to hide her blush. 

Aster laughs. It seems fitting that their last time in this room had included a serious conversation that devolved into flirting. It was just like living with Ellie had been like for the whole year: an ease between them where they could both joke and confide in each other in a single moment.

～～～

Aster is laying in the grass of her backyard and looking at the puffy clouds in the sky. She can hear Ellie talking with her parents over by the barbecue. For the first month of summer, Aster had enjoyed spending time with her family. She also Facetimed with Ellie every couple of days, which had taken the edge off of missing her. But she had still been embarrassingly excited when Ellie had said she could visit for a couple of days. It was an added bonus that Aster’s parents had liked Ellie immediately.

Now Ellie comes over. She looks upwards, shading her eyes from the sun. “What are you looking at?”

“Just the clouds.” Aster extends her right arm and pats the grass underneath, an invitation to join her. Ellie lies down next to her and curls into Aster as she wraps her arm closer around Ellie. As they lie in silence for a couple of minutes, Aster thinks back to everything that’s happened to get her to this moment, which could be a sun drenched portrait titled Happiness.

Aster had been so unsure when she started college, but meeting Ellie had been like a spark, igniting something that was already inside Aster but was waiting to be lit aflame. Ellie had been there while Aster was figuring out how to live on her own for the first time, struggling through classes, and deciding to pursue her passion for painting. Aster feels like most of her fundamental parts are the same, but she’s become more; a better version of herself. Aster thinks that she would have changed with or without Ellie, but she feels eternally grateful that Ellie made the journey with her.

If she’s learned anything, it’s that things can burn down in an instant. But when she thinks about her future with Ellie, that doesn’t scare her. She is just content with the present and excited to see what the future holds.

Lying next to Ellie with her parents just a couple feet away, Aster feels completely at home. And as Ellie leans over and whispers “I love you,” it’s like a final piece has slotted into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story is finally over! Thanks so much to anyone who commented, left kudos, or just came along for the ride.


End file.
